Mark

This is a letter I recently sent to my biological father. A close family friend told my mom that she saw Mark and asked him if he had ever seen Emme. His reply was "Hailey knows where I live...she'll come to her senses one day".

For those of you who don't know...when I was really young my biological father had an affair and left my mom, brother and I. He lived just miles away from us but, other than a few calls and visits in the beginning, he never tried to know my brother and I.

I don't want simpathy I just want to get this off my chest so I can get past it and move on.

And if you're wondering...after I sent this letter there was no reply from Mark.


Dear Mark,

I want you to know exactly why I have not pursued a relationship with you. It is not because of my mom. She has always encouraged me to have a relationship with you when I was younger and as I got older she let me make my own decision about whether or not I wanted you in my life. She never talked bad about you or discouraged me from seeing you. The reason we don’t know each other is because you never wanted to make the effort to get to know me.

Now that I have a daughter it’s even harder to imagine you abandoning Luke and I. I can not think of one thing (not a person or a circumstance) that would stop me from knowing my daughter. The couple of times we did talk I gave you an opportunity to apologize or show any kind of remorse for forgetting about us and you never did. You may think of me as a bitter person but I am not. Of course I still do have some hurt from not knowing you but I think that will always be there. I am not angry with you. I have a lot of love in my heart to give but you will never know that unless you take some blame for our non-existent relationship.

Yes, it is true that I always knew where you lived. That was one of the hardest things to know when I was growing up. But in turn you too always knew where I lived but never tried to visit me or send me a birthday card or give me a phone call. I was only a child and I don’t think it was my responsibility to reach out to you. All my memories of you are waiting and waiting and waiting for you to come. It has always been up to you whether or not you wanted to change that and make new memories with your daughter and even now with your granddaughter. All I have ever wanted from you is to know that you are sorry for not truly trying to know me.

I want to teach my daughter how to forgive and that is why I forgive you. I know this letter probably won’t affect you much. But I am not writing this for you. I am writing this letter for me and for my daughter. So that I can move on and not keep wondering if you’ll ever think I’m worth knowing. I know in my heart that I am worth it and that is all that matters. I have a wonderful husband that loves me unconditionally and a beautiful daughter and that is what brings my true joy.

Hailey

Emme

So...I'm finally a mom to a beautiful teeny tiny baby girl. Even though she has grown an insane amount since she was born, she will always be a "teeny tiny" to Christian and I. Sometimes I just sit and watch her play and I am simply amazed at what a miracle she is.

I remember the day I was rushed to the hospital with my water bag exposed and her teeny tiny foot in the birth canal at 27 weeks. All I could think of was that I had just read online the night before that she was only 2 pounds! I just kept saying it in my head..."She's only two pounds"! To be completely honest with you I have blocked the next two months out of my head. My life consisted of driving to the hospital twice a day. I was able to hold her an hour a day if I was lucky. EVERY time I had to leave her I would cry. So many people called and tried to encourage me but I just couldn't talk. I just knew if I talked about it or if I heard a kind word I would break down.

I was driving when the charge nurse finally called and told me that Emme could come home. I imidiately pulled the car over and started to cry. She was finally mine. She no longer belonged to the nurses of Alta Bates Hospital. She was mine!

Now I can hardly believe that she was that small. She has so much life and energy! At any given moment she can make me crack up laughing! Even when I want to kill her! =)

I am so proud to be her mom. Everywhere we go people stair at her. Sometimes I think people can just see how special she is. Speaking of Emme...she can't take the fact that I'm not in her face right now and she is about to have a melt down! Gotta go!